Well, ok, the romance is wonderful and the companionship just what you’ve been wanting. Life is finally what you’ve been working for all these years.
And then, it turns out that your partner has a life. He or she wants you to be a total player in their life. uh-oh. it’s like closet space. My friend Carolyn was very clear that she wanted Jim in her life. She was equally clear that it was unfortunate that he came with clothing and furnishings. He also had kids and she’d never been married. Her town house wasn’t built to accommodate that much stuff. Up to now, her town house had been perfect for her life. When she and Jim got married, she cleared out one closet and they immediately started looking for a house. If she wanted to keep her stuffed animal moosehead, she realized that she was going to have to make room for his wine collection! And of course there was a lot of incentive for that! More to the point she realized that she needed to make room for his kids. An essential part of the man she married was the fact that he was a dad. She loved that about him and she loved his kids. the town house went!
But what about those things in one another’s life that you don’t necessarily want to take on? Steve and I have such different lives. I have a billion projects going at once. Steve drums. I write in complete quiet. Steve drums. I read, Steve reads, that works really well. I’m an incredibly light sleeper. Steve can sleep through earthquakes. He not only snores, he conducts entire symphonies in his sleep. Our food tastes and our schedules — completely incompatible. Does this mean that we shouldn’t marry? Does this mean we should stop being who we are so that we can marry? Does our passion for one another dictate that we must make something that would stifle both us work in some way? Or because we’re so different, should we just let the passion go by the wayside?
Confounding our community, many of whom insist we CAN’T have a marriage like this, we have decided to move apart. Each of us is building partner friendly space. We’re 4 blocks away from each other. We can meet in the middle if neither of us feels like cooking — there’s a great bar/restaurant. We can spend time together when it suits us and time alone when we want and need it. Or when our partner wants and needs it. And that works great. For us. What works great for you?
Why not find out and have the marriage you want?
I’m entitled to it. You’re entitled to it! And we sure deserve it!