She does what she wants to do.

I recently heard someone dismissed for being the kind of person who spends their life doing what they want to do.

I thought it odd that someone would make such a remark to me since, essentially, I am that person. When they said that, I wondered, why is that a bad thing? Why isn’t that an honest thing?

I did not have a perfect marriage. Steve brought a complicated life to our marriage, but let’s be clear, so did I. I am a loner, and from the beginning I knew that I never wanted to live, not just with him, but really with anyone. And Steve was a drummer and a night person. I am a writer and a day person. We were climactically incompatible. We could be madly in love from two blocks away. (well, when I wasn’t whining and he wasn’t being who he is.) When we held hands and listened to music, no one was ever happier than we were.

Our marriage lasted ten years, our love forever, but basically, we each did what we wanted to do. We were better for having been together. We were much better for not having lived together. I miss him, I miss his music, I miss listening to music through his ears. I miss dancing to his beat… knowing it made him happy to make me dance. People have built marriages on less.

I just read an article about a woman who photographs happily childless women. We are, it seems, understood to be selfish. As if our womb were a role and not a body part. Children are wonderful. I’m an Auntie to a precious few, and Steve gave me two fabulous grandkids … and made me the step mom to two amazing women and their spouses. They live in California. I’m far away, and I’m busy in my life of ministry and writing.

People wondered if I ever regretted not having children. Only once, or was it twice? Over five years, both my sister’s children died. If I’d had children for Deb to love, I would have been so happy. But you know, that’s not really wanting children, that’s just wanting my sister’s heart to stop breaking and it never would.

I am retiring from my congregational ministry. I am restarting my business, writing, doing ritual, writing, reading Tarot, teaching classes. I have the first in a long series of ebooks coming out in the next couple months. 

I am doing what Ann wants to do. The Priestess is In and I feel good! Glad you’re here with me.

Peace, A